Random Drug Test
by Prokhor Zakharov
Summary: Voldemort finally gets somewhat smart and decides to hold random veritaserum tests for his Deatheaters. He decides to clear up once and for all who is on his side, and who is a traitor.
1. Introducing the Test

Night fell over a forgotten clearing in a forgotten wood. A cold fog began to settle; it rolled in like cruel waves on a stormy sea of dead, colourless smoke. It gathered until it was viscous to the point that few silvery illuminations cast down by the moon could penetrate it. Little noise could be discerned aside from the occasional insect and the sound of the cold soil settling as it moistened. From the distance, out of the depths of the swirling ethereal sea, two shapes soundlessly cantered forward. What once were formless shadows became ghosts, and these ghosts became solid figures as they slid into the clearing.

The figures clearly belonged to two people. One was tall, slender, and moved with a hideous, serpentine grace. The other was shorter and any hints to its identity were entirely concealed by the flowing black robe wrapped about its frame. The shorter of the two was the first to speak. "Here?" It was a male voice.

"Of course here." The voice of the taller figure was just as chillingly languid and beautiful as its movements. It was a venom-tipped dagger wrought of ice. The gender of this second speaker, however, was just as indiscernible from its voice as it was from its silhouette.

"Certainly, my lord." The shorter of the figures kneeled, drew up the black sleeve that had covered his left arm, and offered it up to the taller. While the taller reached for the arm, an impossibly large serpent wound its way through the grass and circled the kneeling man. Neither figure cared to flinch or glance down as the serpent doubled its coils again and again. The taller figure drew out a slender wand and pressed it against the exposed forearm. Not moments later, like the ghosts of mariners lost to the waves, many more figures began to emerge from the mist.

Their banter tended to be decontextualized in this seemingly unreal plane. Many of their comments even seemed banal and unfitting of their surroundings, as though they were being continued without interruption from some other, merrier place.

"Oh God, here comes MacNair."

"Haha, poor idiot. Somebody should tell him that the whole point of the mask and cloak is to conceal your identity."

"No doubt. His mask hides his identity about as well as Dick Grayson's."

"Who?"

"Robin."

"Oh. Haha! That's true! That's so true! I can tell who he is a mile away."

Soon the man the two referred to as MacNair caught up with them.

"Hey guys!"

"Oh, hi."

"Hey E, you still going to my party tomorrow?"

The MacNair figure looked puzzled. "What party?"

"Oh, I knew you'd forget. Well, you're still invited anyhow. Party at my place, tomorrow at ten. Be there!"

"All right! I am there!" The three continued to their places in the circle of like-robed figures that had already begun to gather around Voldemort: the tall figure that had arrived first. Once the circle was completed, their master addressed them.

"OK, since I'm sure you'd all rather be at home right now, I'll give it to you straight. We really haven't come up with anything better than the 'Just wait for a possession-episode to finally go right and get Harry to steal the prophecy so we can hear it even though we already know what it says' plan,"

One of the figures beamed proudly and elbowed the man standing next to him. "That was my plan! Innit great?"

"Shh!"

"Because of this," Voldemort continued, narrowing his eyes at the source of the interruption, "today is random-drug-and-loyalty testing day. I have finally managed to get my hands on some veritaserum!" Several groans rose up from the circle. "Come on! You all knew it was coming! It was in the contract!"

"This sucks!" Cried a voice from the circle.

"Hey, shaddup! Unless you'd rather be dead!" The only response to this threat was silence. "That's what I thought. Now, I will be going around administering a blood test to each of you. Should this blood test show that you do not have any veritaserum antidotes in your system, I will proceed to administer a loyalty test via veritaserum. Know that I will not immediately assume veritaserum antidote in your system to be incriminating. Since none of you knew that we were meeting today, you could have had a legitimate reason for taking it. Wife, ministry, job, who knows? But you will be held in restraint until such time that the antidote wears off, and I will then administer an accurate loyalty test."

Once again, several groans were uttered by those gathered around their master.Voldemort rolled his eyes. "Oh stop complaining already! OK Lucius, I'm starting with you." He singled out a figure in the circle, and stepped up to him, studying the man with an intense gaze. "Whoa, Lucius! is that your wand or are you just happy to see me?"

Lucius's eyes fiercely darted about the circle, studying the masks that blankly stared back at him. "My lord, I was with my wife."

"Oh, I get it." The serpentine figure winked. "Well, put your arm out Lucius, I haven't got all day."

"My lord, I'd rather you didn't use my name."

"Well I'd rather you hurry it up and put your arm out. I can say your name whenever I damn well please." Unwilling to protest any further, Lucius held out his arm, and pulled back the sleeve. As the group watched Lucius' blood get drawn into vials and waited for the test results, many of them tried to pass the time by sharing amusing anecdotes with those they knew.

"Well, here it is Lucius. Aside from your blood being rife with a prescription drug for erectile dysfunction, there's nothing. So you're good to go for the second test." Lucius could hear muffled laughter from around the circle as he downed the veritaserum. "Are you, Lucius Malfoy, loyal to me and only me?"

"Yes, my lord."

"That's it for you, then. Next!" He stepped up to face the next figure: the one who had been called MacNair. "Hoo boy. MacNair, MacNair. You have got to do something about your mask. What are you supposed to be, the Boy Wonder? I mean, it's way too obvious who you are!" He clawed the mask off to reveal a man that was definitely not MacNair. He wasn't even a man that anybody there recognized. A ripple of surprise rose from the circle. "Oh, uhh, I'm sorry… you just looked a lot like MacNair, and I thought it was because you had a stupid mask. Err. Right. Well, time for your blood test!" Voldemort slowly began to draw his blood into vials, and many that grew bored in the circle began chatting once more.

"You mean that wasn't MacNair?"

"Wow, fooled me."

"Well, then who the heck is that guy?"

"Wait, this means I invited that bozo to my party!"

At length, Voldemort cleared his throat. "There's nothing in your system of note." Voldemort then gave the man veritaserum, and he swore his loyalty without hesitation.

The tests continued on, most in this same manner. Before long, Voldemort was checking the results from Fenrir Greyback. "Jesus, Fenrir! There's so much goddamn PCP in your blood, it's a wonder you haven't fallen down dead right here! But we're not testing for that, so I guess you're good to go." After swearing his undying allegiance to Voldemort, Fenrir bounded off to tear out peoples' throats with his teeth. He didn't see Nagini the serpent slithering around in the grass, however, and promptly tripped over her. He crashed into the ground violently, but sprung back up and conitinued running in an arbitrary direction. Voldemort watched Fenrir leave, shaking his head. "PCP. It figures. No wonder that guy is so messed up. I mean, biting people while he's still in his human form? What the hell?"

Voldemort turned to the next of his followers, and smiled. His was a warped and twisted mockery of any human smile, but a smile nonetheless. "Severus Snape. Looks like I get to figure out once and for all whose side you're on."

Even though his blood tested negative for any known veritaserum antidotes, Snape was shaking ever-so-slightly. Voldemort licked his teeth with relish as he crafted his question. "Snape, are you a double-crosser, or a triple-crosser?"

Under the influence of the veritaserum, Severus replied immediately. "I am a quadruple-crosser!"

"Oh good. Wait… Hey! That means…"

"Wait, no… let me think. No, I'm a septuple-crosser! I'm sure of it this time!"

Voldemort began counting on his fingers, and was rushing to determine just what being a septuple-crosser would entail. "So that means you make it look like you betrayed him, and everybody thinks your on my side, but then you mock-betrayed me so it looks like you're on his side, to hide the fact that…"

"Scratch that. I'm an octuple-crosser."

"Hold up, let me get some paper and a pencil so I can chart this whole thing out!"

"I'm a nintuple-crosser!"

"You know what? I don't even care anymore!"

"I'm a dodeca…"

"Just shut up!"

"Dodecamer-crosser!"

"Silence!"

"Wait! I have got it! I shall now tell everybody once and for all whose side I am on!"

"Enough! Petrificus totalus!" A dim light flickered from the end of Voldemort's wand, then Snape went still and fell to the ground. "I don't even want to know whose side he's on anymore. Hell, I don't even think he knows whose side he's on." The circle fell silent as Snape's immobilized body hit the ground with a dull thud. Voldemort, however, ignored him as he lazily flowed to the next position in the circle, grinning with a dark and macabre glee. "Shall we continue?"


	2. The Workaround

Narcissa Malfoy rifled through her bureaus and cabinets, tossing their unsought-for contents aside. Behind her scampered a tiny and squeaking house elf, who was feverishly trying to return the rejected items to their places. The two had already perpetuated this routine for roughly an hour, and Narcissa showed no signs of ending it; even though the house elf was ready to collapse from exhaustion. She marched on without complaint, however, following Narcissa in her obsessive search. The master expected the matron to play hostess to the Notts that night, and she would play it perfectly. Narcissa had long since perfected the craft of playing hostess. She absolutely would have the perfect jewels, the perfect gown, the perfect accessories, and the perfect poise. She knew if any part was lacking, the whole would fail.

The flaxen-haired matron overturned another drawer and tore through its contents. Her husband probably re-arranged everything again, as none of the house elves knew where to look. He was the lord of his castle, and if he needed space for anything, he would get it. Not satisfied with this latest drawer, Narcissa tossed it aside and moved to a long-neglected cabinet in the wall. She had to jostle the handle a bit before it would open, and once it did she peered inside with the hopes of a prophetess gazing into the inky depths of her all-knowing pool. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the dim light and register exactly what was stacked on the shelves. Once they did, her eyes widened with the shock that came with this particular recognition.

"Great Morgana le Fay…" she muttered half-audibly. Stacked in the cabinet, shelf upon shelf, were colourful cardboard boxes of a prescription drug for erectile dysfunction. She glanced back over her shoulder to ascertain that the house elf had not seen what the old cabinet held. After assuring herself that the elf had indeed been carefully picking up and folding the matron's dainties the entire time, she quickly shut the door.

_Why would Lucius have this? And in such abundance? He doesn't need it. Or, at least, I haven't noticed anything. No, he certainly doesn't have a problem with that. _Narcissa brought her dainty fingers to her chin, and tapped it with her long manicured fingernails. _Perhaps… that is, I've heard stories… could it be Draco? For parties or something?_ She shook her head quickly, straining to banish the thought. _No, not my little Draco. He's such a perfect little boy. He would never. But I wouldn't put it past Lucius to use it for such purposes._ She sighed and leaned against the jambs of the door, holding her head with both hands. She always had to work so hard to conceal her husband's behaviour and keep his reputation polished. That was the image she needed to maintain. A perfect lord and his perfect lady.

She remained like this for what seemed an eternity. Ultimately, however, she propped herself back up, blinked the wetness from her eyes, and continued on her quest to prepare herself for the Notts' arrival. If nothing else, this was something she had learned to be absolutely necessary for survival over the years: putting up a front.

A loud crash followed by the sounds of yelping interrupted her thoughts and brought her back to the present. Shortly afterwards, a tentative voice rang out. "Mother! I need help!" It was Narcissa's son, Draco.

Narcissa rushed down the stairs, her silken skirts rippling about her feet. "Coming, Darling!"

Lucius barely winced upon hearing the sound of something expensive shattering downstairs, followed by the pathetic whining of his son. Rolling his eyes and cursing Draco inwardly, he turned to face his guest. "Don't mind that. I'm sure it's nothing the house elves can't handle."

Severus Snape nodded his agreement. The commotion certainly sounded routine enough to him. "Of course I don't mind. I'm still thankful that you could see me on such short notice."

"Oh, anytime."

"I'm honoured. Now, I know that you'll be having the Notts over tonight so I'll try not to keep you." Snape lowered his voice. "What I need to talk to you about is the blood test we had last week."

Lucius raised a delicate eyebrow. "Yes?"

Snape leaned closer to Lucius. "How were you able to beat it?"

"Oh, ho! You presume much about me. But I'll confess I've presumed much about you. Correct or no, one thing is for sure: it's a good thing your alignment is so obfuscated that it even confuses you."

"Tell me about it. But you? You sounded absolutely sure, even with the veritaserum! How is it that… or, don't tell me that you… No, I know I'm right about you."

Lucius gave a wicked grin, allowing his head to tilt back slightly, and chuckled viciously. "But suppose I intuited you before you read me, so I had time to put up a front, making you reveal yourself to me."

Snape raised an eyebrow and gave a hideous grin. "Ahh, but perhaps I intuited you before you read me, prompting me to put up my own front! Now I have elicited out enough information to warrant your death."

"Touché. But let us entertain the possibility that I preempted this very behaviour of yours, and therefore only pretended to put up a front such that you would put up your own front, and I would play along in order to gain enough information on you." Lucius gave a finishing gesture, and reclined in his chair.

"OK, now I'm confused again."

"I must confess, this time I am as well."

Snape shook his head in half-annoyance. "Well, back to business! I know you've found a way to beat the veritaserum test. Friend or foe, the Great Lucius Malfoy would never allow his brain laid bare for anybody to read with such little hesitation. His pride would never allow it. All I ask is that you fill me in here. How did you do it?"

"I have made a crucial discovery, my old friend. Now, we won't be able to share it with anybody else. By design, only masters of occlumens can know about it if it's to help anybody. Tell one weak link, and the whole thing's blown sky high."

Snape rubbed his palms together and leaned forward eagerly. "Yes! Yes! I understand!"

"Well, using NMR and mass spectrometry, I have been able to determine the structure of the active ingredient in veritaserum. After extensive searching, many episodes of trial and error, and long nights pouring over chemical databases, I finally found what I needed. None of the known veritaserum antidotes would do, as they're too easily detectable. But this, ah, nobody would suspect it. That's what made it perfect.

"Apparently, the active ingredient in a popular drug used to treat erectile dysfunction has a side-effect. It also binds to the same receptors that are targeted by veritaserum, thus changing its conformation. In this conformation, veritaserum cannot bind to it, and so it never enters the conformation which promotes the release of the chemicals responsible for making you unconditionally tell the truth. And what's more, just two pills is a full order of magnitude greater than what you need to ensure that the number of receptors in your body acts as the limiting factor!"

Snape stared at Lucius with his mouth open as though he were a mad man.

Lucius grinned apologetically. "OK, I'll try and clarify. What I'm basically saying is that the prescription drug which treats erectile dysfunction also doubles as a veritaserum antidote! And I've been taking it every time something comes up, just in case." Lucius held up a box of this miracle antidote for Snape to see.

"I know what you said! But since when did you know anything about hormone chemistry? Where on earth did you get the NMR and mass spec machines?"

"Oh, Malfoy Industries owns a biotech company."

"You're kidding."

"Well, OK, it doesn't quite own it. More like it's a sister company, but Malfoy Industries does own all the rights to…"

"Why on earth did you buy a biotech company? Weren't both of your parents purebloods?"

"Yea, So? A few years back my broker told me the time was right to invest in biotech, so I went out and bought a biotech company. And what a good decision that turned out to be! We're at the forefront of potions development! That has made Malfoy Industries so much money over the years… of course, most of it was poured right back into the company again, which ultimately made it grow to the size it's at now."

Snape again stared at Lucius blankly. "Your… broker…"

"OK, let me explain. When you're investing in a company, there's a few different things you can do with your…"

"I understand what you said! I just… it just seems strange hearing it from you. To be associated with such a muggle-concept, I would never…"

"Muggle? Oh, no. This company is run entirely by wizards. I made sure of that before I bought it. It took a while to find one that was, let me tell you. But you know how crucial Malfoy Industries' image is to its success. Though I hear many of them are mudbloods. That is why Malfoy Biotech requires security clearance. I'm not really scared that anybody will steal anything, it's just to keep the public from knowing about the mudbloods. It would hurt the company if they knew I employed that lot."

Snape could only shake his head in disbelief. Breaking the silence, Narcissa stepped lightly into the doorway. "Darling, might I have a word with you?"

"Of course, Dear!" Lucius gave Severus a grin, bowed his head slightly, and moved to meet his wife at the doorway. "I'll only be a moment, Severus!" Snape nodded, and moved to half-inspect the various paintings on the walls while his host was away, pausing in front of a particularly lovely portrait titled 'Livia Malfoy.'

In the other room, Narcissa held up one of the boxes she found in the old cabinet. "Lucius, would you mind explaining this to me?"

Lucius almost sighed with relief as he saw the box. It was actually amongst the lesser of his incriminating objects that she could have found. "Oh, Cissy. I'm getting up there in years. I wanted to tell you, but I could never bring myself to do it. You know my pride and how I let it rule me."

Narcissa scrutinized her husband, considering his every movement and mannerism. She hesitated for only an instant to compose herself before she spoke again. When she did, her voice was silken ribbons binding a delicate knife in its velveteen sheath. "Oh yes, my Lucius and his pride. But this is not good for you, my sweet. It will make you go blind."

"Oh, no need to worry. Why can't I just cast a spell to give myself new eyes?"

Narcissa's calm broke. She put one of her pretty little hands on her hip, and her voice bordered on shouting. "Why can't you just cast a spell to get it up?"

Lucius had been struck by the emotions that seemed to rise out of nowhere. The knife in her voice was no longer concealed. Flabbergasted by this sudden outburst, he could only stare at his wife with his mouth agape. It is always the tiniest and most beautiful of serpents that delivers the most venomous strike. Just as he was struggling for an answer, a familiar voice echoed through the halls.

"Well I know he didn't get that from my side of the family!"

Lucius rolled his eyes. "Stay out of this, Aurelius."

The portrait of Lucius' great grandfather ignored him, and continued to address Narcissa. "I kid you not! My youngest child was born when I was ninety-five years old! Ninety-five!"

Narcissa was also somewhat annoyed at the intrusion, but much less visibly so. "Well, that's very nice, Aurelius."

Lucius groaned. He had heard the stupid youngest-child story almost every time he had the misfortune of walking through this room. "Yea, well don't tell me that you never really noticed how very little Germanicus actually resembled you."

Aurelius Malfoy puffed out his chest, and sniffed indignantly. "What is this now, insolent whelp? If you have something to say, come out and say it!"

Lucius shrugged and made a face of mock-puzzlement. "I don't think I'm the right one to ask about that."

Aurelius scoffed at this, but immediately ran through the portraits of the house, his shouts of "Livia! Livia get out here!" fading down the corridors as he went.

Narcissa watched Aurelius leave and waited until the portrait was out of sight before turning back to her husband. "Did Germanicus Malfoy really look all that different from the others?"

"Ha! No. He was a spitting image of Aurelius, that old coot." Lucius began to laugh, but it was twisted into a distorted and inhuman sound as a searing pain rushed up his left forearm. He kept himself from crying out, but his right hand immediately flew to clutch at it.

"Lucius!" Casting everything aside, Narcissa rushed to embrace her husband. She was well aware of what his pain meant. Moments later, Severus burst into the room and ran to Lucius.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, my lady! Lucius, we gotta go now." Lucius nodded, and selected four pills from the box that Narcissa had dropped, and handed two to Snape.

"Here, take these now!" The two men hastily downed the pills, almost sending Narcissa into shock. "I'll be back tonight, Cissy!"

"W-What shall I do if Mr. Nott and his family arrive before you get back?"

"He won't, trust me!" With these as his parting words, Lucius and Snape disapparated to heed the call of their lord. Narcissa continued to stare at the empty space where her husband had been only moments ago, trying not to think about what she had just witnessed. Certainly she had expected to be kept in the dark when it came to Lucius' dealing with the Deatheaters, but this…

"Mother, when are we gonna have dinner?" Completely oblivious to what had been happening in the room, Draco had wandered in looking for his mother. It was at this time that he found her standing there, a horrorstricken look painted over her features.

"Oh my baby!" Narcissa drew Draco into a tight embrace, and held him against her bosom. "I worry about your father!"


End file.
